Um, Help?

I am a little lost as to which direction to take God. Um help?

Process.

I still have fits of jealousy come over me sometimes God. And the are usually at the most ridiculous times. I get jealous or selfish about things that are so tiny and insignificant and so i know that it is only satan trying to lure me to him. But he wont win God. Because lately everytime i sense his presence I become even more aware of Yours. You have never left me alone with him, afraid and defenseless. I will just have to read some more about what You have to say about jealousy and set my mind to pray as my first defense. See what he thinks about that. We make a good team huh? :)

A Good Steward.

I have some materialistic requests today God. I am not asking that you fix them if it is against your will, only that you continue to help me become wiser in managing my money. My internet bill is going up unexpectedly and please help me to be able to stick to my budget even if it means having to sacrifice a little. Also, if there is any way i can find them money to pay off this loan God please please please provide that. I do not want to be in any debt now or ever. I am willing to work hard and sacrifice to achieve that but my job now makes paying even a little on it practically impossible. But Abba, Father i know all things are possible for you. Please send me a way to clear this debt from my name.

More Help Please.

My feelings still get hurt too easily by him. If it is any way pleasing to You, God could you please help me not to be so hurt by little things that he does or doesnt do or say like not hugging me or paying more attention to other girls and not me or not walking me to my car. So much was taken for granted before. I don't want to let hurt feelings destroy such a great friendship and that do nothing good for us. Please help.

Dear Ones.

It is so hard to see friends hurting God. Jordan is going through such a tough time right now and i want so much to be able to take all of his hurt from him and carry it myself. It breaks my heart to see him so weak and sad. His passion, and joy, and playful bouncy, bouncy personality is gone. He is so much more reserved now. I long to comfort him, but i am so unable. However i am glad i am unable Daddy because my inability means you are more than able to comfort him and do a far better job. I will continue to do the only thing i am able to do and that is lift him up to You daily, hourly if that is what it takes. Please show him his passions over and over again Dad. Wave them in front of his face and wake him up. Help him remember where his passions came from and how much You have ready for him. All he needs is to be willing. Please Daddy, I love him dearly. Do what i can't do for him. And show me what i am able to do for him.

Encouragement.

You aent me encouragement when i needed it. How could i ever doubt that you are there? First you sent Mario to encourage me with his loving words and then you sent me the most beautiful passage in your love letter tonight. I was waiting on friends to arrive so we could swim tonight and i flipped to colossians and read this: "And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delievered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:9-14. I have been needing extra encouragement lately so thank you. I forget to thank you when you answer my prayers or show me extra love. Hopefully writing here will help me to remember better like my other blog has helped me to be more thankful. So, i don't want to ruin this blog with requests i just wanted to thank my Daddy for being such a loving Father.

Hurt.

Today was awful. I feel like i am being stretched to a breaking point. I don't feel any stronger or wiser from all of this i feel like i am about to snap. Why God? I know you are probably so sick of that question, but why? I am trying so hard and all of my efforts fall short. No matter how nice or polite or helpful i try to be to Jordan hurt simmers underneath the surface and always shows up. We can get along for a few hours or in a big enough group, but we aren't friends or even close. We are two people who were so close and now are what? I don't know. He knows me too much now. As a boyfriend i wanted him to know everything, now all of the things he knows makes me cringe. I feel exposed. He knows too much about me for someone who i can't seem to even be friends with. Everything is so simple for him. Friends in public, closer with just the two of us. I am so confused as to what i am to him. I hate all of this. I am torn between keeping on like this and wondering if maybe having no communication would be better for us. The problem is i am the one who couldn't take it before.he seemed fine not talking, i am the one who was in tears after a week. How am i going to be able to leave him? It is hard being aorund him but so much harder never seeing him at all. I wish i could understand the purpose of all of this. Even just a little. I'm glad you know where all of this is going because i can't even understand today.

Thanks You.

So today was awesome. Jordan, Hannah, Pat, and I all hung out. I was a little hesitant at first, but i am so glad i went. We went shootin', then ate dinner at Pizzza Hut, then walked down the train tracks. Seriously, Daddy I am hard pressed to think of a way you could have made today better. Also I think today was progress for Jordan and I and us working on our friendship. He gave me a really sweet hug, promised to call melater, and sent me a really kind text on the way home. Thanks for tonight, really.

Oh Daddy, what am I supposed to do about all of this? I feel quite sure living with Kirk for a while is right. I feel like i have been preparing for this for a long time and i wasn't even aware i was being prepared for anything. I feel like Kirk needs me right now though. So I think despite all of the selfish desires within me I am going to have to put my life and wantd on hold for a while and be with my brother. It breaks my heart to think of leaving my church and friends, especially Jordan. I love him so much and we haven't been apart for more than a woeek for the last 2 years. I know he might very well be leaving in the fall as well, but it is still hard to leave him. I am still sure of him although i know that us not being a couple right now is right and the best thing for us, i feel very much in my heart that is is the man God chose long ago for me to marry. But all in God's time. Right now i think Kirk is my focus. So, i will keep lifting this up to You and I am going to ask some very dear friends to lift this up to You as well Daddy so when you get those prayers know that i warned You ahead of time :D Anyway I think i will go now. I will talk to you soon.

Now What.

I feel so torn most of the time lately God. Part of me wants to leave and try again somewhere else. But the other part of me doesn't feel completely okay with that. And of course my heart pitches a fit at the thought of leaving behind Jordan. What do you want me to do? I know that him and I need to learn again how to be friends. We once were the best of friends. Before we became more and even after we were dating he remained my best friend. But somewhere in the last few months that changed. I still want him to be my best friend, but i need a lot of help with that. There are a lot of hurt feelings and pride in the way. It hurts to look at him and i know apart from you even a chance at us being best friends again is impossible. I still don't understand all of this Lord, but this i know: You are worthy of praise through the good and through this. Even pain is a reason to turn around and praise you and so since i have no idea of what else to do, i will worship in the meantime. And wait.

A Whole Bunch.

Dad, i have a lot on my mind right now so i hope you don't mind the rambling.
First of all, i am having a really, really, really hard time dealing with jealousy and selfishness right now. When they come up i try to find something else to think about. I listen to worship music or read my Bible, but sometimes they are so intense all i can do is cry. I need you more than before.
Also, i have been missing Jordan more lately. Especially the nights he doesn't call. I always seem to wake up sometime during the night and i see that he didn't call and i fall asleep sad. Which makes me dream sad things and so i wake up sad. But reading the Psalms today helped a little. I have never been able to understand them or relate to them as i can now.
Talking to Kirk yesterday made me sad too. I remember when our family had a worship and and how much music made him glow. It is such a huge passion of his. Even yesterday when i asked he what he liked to do most and he said if he could do anything he would travel and play music his whole life. It made me think of Jordan and his dream. The 2 guys i love the most share a dream.
And also i got offered a promotion of sorts today. it has good points and bad points. Should i take it? I only want to accept it if it is your will. So please reveal to me whether i should take it or not.
Kayla needs you a lot right now God. Her parents are smothering her i think and she is so sad and lonely. WIll you give her a hug for me until i can see her again?
Jessica w. is very sad also. I am not sure what is going on in her life. I don't know her very well and last night was the first time i have even seen her in months.
Jordan is in need of your wisdom daddy. He longs to know your will for him. He is so willing to follow it even when the cost is great. I hope i can be even a little more like him someday. He is the most compassionate guy i have ever known and i love him very much. Will you please show him the next step you have for him?
I think i am starting to ramble now so i will write more later. I know you have already taken care of everything i asked. So thank you for that. Thank you for giving me chance after chance. I love you.

Brother.

Daddy my heart is hurting right now. I talked to Kirk a few minutes ago. He is so far from you Dad. Never a word of you comes from him only worldy things. And it makes me sad. He wants me to live with him daddy and part of me wants to. I could get a better job, save money, go to school for free, be with him...but then i would be far from Jordan. And i know i can't draw my life around his. We are bound to part ways eventually maybe even for good and this seems like such a perfect opportunity. But as much as i try to talk myself into leaving my heart cries at the thought of be seperated from Jordan. Even the thought of leaving makes me heart dig it's claws in. Nothing depresses more than the thought of being far from him. And so i am torn. Torn between the great opportunity and my love for this guy who doesn't want me. I am so confused. What do you want daddy? That is the only thing that really matters to me. Where do you want me? And if i am not meant for him why this ridiculous feelings of certainty and committment? I am begging you to reveal your will to me.

Sleepless in Dalton.

God, i know that you already know this, but could you please quiet my dreams. My dreams are either strange and confusing or scary. I don't remember the last time i had a happy dream. It must have been years ago. My job already makes sleep scarce and these dreams ruin the little sleep i manage to get. Please help to calm my mind so i can rest.