Hurt.

Today was awful. I feel like i am being stretched to a breaking point. I don't feel any stronger or wiser from all of this i feel like i am about to snap. Why God? I know you are probably so sick of that question, but why? I am trying so hard and all of my efforts fall short. No matter how nice or polite or helpful i try to be to Jordan hurt simmers underneath the surface and always shows up. We can get along for a few hours or in a big enough group, but we aren't friends or even close. We are two people who were so close and now are what? I don't know. He knows me too much now. As a boyfriend i wanted him to know everything, now all of the things he knows makes me cringe. I feel exposed. He knows too much about me for someone who i can't seem to even be friends with. Everything is so simple for him. Friends in public, closer with just the two of us. I am so confused as to what i am to him. I hate all of this. I am torn between keeping on like this and wondering if maybe having no communication would be better for us. The problem is i am the one who couldn't take it before.he seemed fine not talking, i am the one who was in tears after a week. How am i going to be able to leave him? It is hard being aorund him but so much harder never seeing him at all. I wish i could understand the purpose of all of this. Even just a little. I'm glad you know where all of this is going because i can't even understand today.